i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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