I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
