Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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