I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
