You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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