Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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