Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
