i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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