there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
