I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
