In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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