I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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