I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
