i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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