"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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