but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
