Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
