my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
