you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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