Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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