I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
