That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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