The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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