Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
