If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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