btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
We named our party play list daddy issues
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
