So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
