i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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