I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
