You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
