You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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