Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So vagazzling was a success
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