I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
