dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
