tell your sister to shave her snatch
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
