Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
