So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
