I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
