Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Boobs are out for the taking
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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