Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
