Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
