That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
