Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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