Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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