I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
