Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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