everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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