If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
