it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
