I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
