Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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