My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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